Is It Me?

My father, like myself, is very intuitive. He gets these feelings sometimes and lately he’s been getting one about me. I’ve recently started dating a wonderful man. At first I was ecstatic, nothing could bring me down. I would have never believed a guy like him would look twice at a girl like me. Lately, I shrug and say everything is fine…but I’m not sure it is.

I pretend I’m fine. I pretend I’m well adjusted and happy. I hide from him my past. I hide from him the turmoil when it boils to the surface of my facade. I’m not sure he wouldn’t walk away if he saw me for who and what I really have been and sometimes still am.

He doesn’t wrap his arms around me, cuddle with me, show any true sign we’re together in public. He never tries to put the moves on me. I’m a very physical person, I find comfort in small things like a long hug or a simple stroke, anything to let me know he really does like me. Anything to ground me in a reality that I am not alone. Yet, I feel completely and utterly alone.

I thought once we got back to school we would see each other more but I only see him twice a week and in the company of friends. He spends more time with them than he does me. Sometimes, I feel rather rejected.

Before you judge him to harshly, he is not mean to me and everyone knows we’re together. Maybe we just aren’t the right fit, or maybe it’s me? My step-mother is not the first person to suggest that once the chase is over I find myself bored. I will not deny such an accusation but I’m not sure that’s what is going on here.

I think the events of last year with Atheist Minister have made me leery with my heart. I want to trust, I want to believe. The more I fall for my current guy the more I pull back into my barriers. I’m used to people waltzing in and out of my life, and I guess I’m just waiting for him to do the same. I’m afraid to show him the chaos. I’m afraid to tell him how I feel. I’m afraid that any minute he is going to walk away like everyone else.

Trust is easier said than given. I wish I could put faith in people the way I did once upon a time but I’ve been cut by people to many times to do that. I fear I have become a cynic. I fear I can no longer promise myself it will get better until I believe it because things were better for a while but they are falling apart. I’m falling apart. The strength I thought I’d won is failing. The fragile wall My Darkness is locked behind is crumbling. I’m not sure I believe in Fairy Tales, in love even.

Welcome Back!

I’ve been M.I.A. for long enough on this blog. I would just like to say to anyone who still drops by on occassion or anyone looking for a diaster to follow that I am going to start blogging again. This site is going through some renovations, and by the end of the weekend will be up and running again.

Could It Be I Actually Want to Get Close to Someone?

I just got home from what I hope was a date with a wonderful guy that ironically enough my mother picked out for me. We shall call him Hunter. After my last romantic disaster it is no secret that I have tried to stay away from love. I have grown into my singledom and I have actually started to live my life. It took losing all the things I thought I needed and wanted before I could be free. I guess you never know how strong you are until you have to be.

Lately my mum and her friend from soccer have been insisting that me and her friend’s son should go out. Supposedly we are perfect for one another. I laughed off these comments and at some point I started to humor her. I talked to him, and it was easy-easy in a way that I didn’t expect. The more I talked to him the more I wanted to be near him. I still didn’t expect to be any more than an acquaintance but then we made plans to go out for a movie, and now I’m hooked.

I’ve just gotten home from seeing Zombieland with him and at some point while sitting beside him in the theater I realized something. I actually want to open up to him. I want to be near him. I want to get to know him. I want to trust him.

I want all of the things I am usually so afraid of.

I call him Hunter because he is just that, a hunter. Not by any means my usual type. But there is just something about him that just clicks. I have no desire to rush into anything but I do know that I want to see him again. He might come to Haunted Hills Estate with me Saturday night if I can talk him out of the first day of hunting season.

Even if I can’t, I look forward to our next…date? He drove me to the movie, paid my way, and drove me home. He hugged me at the end of the night and right now I am almost wishing I had been brave enough to at least kiss his cheek. Although, there is no telling if he thought it was a date or if he even likes me. Time will tell, and for once I am going to be patient, and try not to over-think things(a girl can at least pretend she won’t over-think it, right?). If we go to fast I might bolt, but I don’t want to. I feel oddly at ease with him, comfortable despite us having just started to hang out.

It’s too soon to tell where this will go. For once I am just going to enjoy it, and listen to my gut. I’m done letting the fear of being hurt rule my life. I want to do things right this time. If this little attraction of mine happens to become more than I don’t want to screw it up. It seems so odd to me that after all this time I actually want to get close to someone again.

Come on Kids Let’s Act Like Adults

Earlier today I was willing to shut this blog down for a couple reasons: 1) Too many people I know, know about it and I would like to be able to write without worrying what family members, friends, and enemies would say or think of me. 2) Part of me wanted to keep all my fun little movie, book, and life rants away from my personal life. 3) I just wanted a fresh start.

This evening I was accused by The Bitch of talking about her on twitter. Somehow this didn’t surprise me. I have grown used to she and Atheist Minister laying in to me. I just thought by now it was over. Then she joined my story proboard, where I write with friends and I found that kinda creepy considering she isn’t a writer and we aren’t friends.

I sent Atheist Minister an apology letter when I heard they got engaged. I wanted him to know I was sorry for the way things went down. I was sorry for everything but I’m sure he didn’t read it and if he did he chose not to respond, which I can’t blame him for.

I just wanted it all to stop but I was content with our arrangement of silence. We all live our own lives and should we run into one another we just politely ignore their presence. Maybe not the best fix but I was okay with that. No one had to be angry any more.

For the record, I don’t love him anymore and after my conversation with his Bitch I don’t even like him as a person any more. I used to say, despite it all he was one of the good ones. He’s proved to me he can be every bit the asshole he once told me he was going to become.

She brought up things I’d told him, things from my past, things from The Darkness. I didn’t care about any of the nasty things she said to me until she threw that in my face. She can sit and laugh at the broken girl I was once upon a time but I am not ashamed of who I was. I am not ashamed of what I have done. That broken girl has become a strong woman.

Their words can’t hurt me now. Obviously they have nothing better to do then sit around and laugh at me and my life. She always says they sit and laugh at my blogs. That’s fine. Laugh it up Bitch. I don’t care because both of you are as good as dead to me. I have a life, a happy one that doesn’t include thoughts of either of you. Which is why I have blocked you both from my facebook and twitter and if I could block you from my blog I’d do that too.

Grow-Up children, we’re adults now. Shouldn’t you be planning a wedding instead of analyzing every word I write anyway? Shouldn’t you have moved on from hating me so? What did I ever do except once love the man you have now? If love is a crime then I was guilty but I feel no love for him now. In fact, I feel nothing for him now. I don’t love or hate either of them. Hate takes too much energy, it means I actually care. I am indifferent. I am apathetic.

Here We Go Again

As I stood at Jill’s grave and admitted my fears I realized something. I have no idea who I am anymore. I often shrug off my academic probation and account it to a “mini-nervous breakdown” last spring. I promised myself closure and healing over the summer and one day I realized I was okay. I was happy with who I am. I was content to be single. Did the old fears still linger? Certainly, but now is my chance to be the person I want to be. Now is a chance not to make the same mistakes and yet…here we go again.

I have a crush on this guy who makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach every time he smiles. My best guy friend is starting to get feelings for me. And I hooked up with a guy I scarcely know.

Do I learn nothing from my past?

I think about the note I wrote after hooking up with Everyone’s Favorite Asshole and how I asked myself this same question. I was supposed to have learned from my encounters with Master of Pretty, Empty Words. I was supposed to have learned from my mistakes with Everyone’s Favorite Asshole. I’m not supposed to be this girl!

I keep thinking about the girl I used to be.

Once upon a time I dreamed of Happily-Ever-After and quickly life taught me the hard way that such a thing doesn’t exist. I adopted new beliefs, new codes and not for the first time I have broken them. I’m sick of breaking them. I’m sick of doing things that later I sit around and wish I hadn’t. I can’t find it in myself to regret them but every fiber of my being tells me to turn tail and run. Danger ahead!

I find it hard to imagine being in love, to imagine trusting someone with so much and having them destroy me as so many have done. More than anything I want to be able to take things slow, get to know someone, fall in love, and be able to love them like I’ve never been hurt. Yet, I’m damaged goods. I don’t want to be caged, claimed but I also don’t want to be the girl I am now. I don’t want to give myself over so easily. In many ways I am completely sick of the physical. It only complicates everything!

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want…except maybe I do. Despite all my fears I want to meet someone, I want to date, and I want to do this right. I want to go back in time, grab myself, and ask me what the hell I think I’m about to do! There are all these moments in my life where I wonder, was it worth it?

Was going against my morals worth it? Was pushing him away worth it? Was never saying what I really felt worth it?

No.

It was never worth it. I want a do-over in more than one place in my life but we make mistakes and we learn from them. Lately I haven’t been heeding my lessons and now I’m feeling backed into a corner and scorning myself. Maybe I’m just attracted to the chaos and here we go on another stroll through disaster. Maybe I can fix this. Maybe I can find the strength to stand up for the girl who once believed in love, the girl who has done so much just to feel loved, the girl who is caged in The Darkness and begs for release.

I deserve better than this. It’s time I remember it and live by it. People always think it’s easy to be true to yourself. It’s so simple, so cliche, and yet so difficult.