My father, like myself, is very intuitive. He gets these feelings sometimes and lately he’s been getting one about me. I’ve recently started dating a wonderful man. At first I was ecstatic, nothing could bring me down. I would have never believed a guy like him would look twice at a girl like me. Lately, I shrug and say everything is fine…but I’m not sure it is.
I pretend I’m fine. I pretend I’m well adjusted and happy. I hide from him my past. I hide from him the turmoil when it boils to the surface of my facade. I’m not sure he wouldn’t walk away if he saw me for who and what I really have been and sometimes still am.
He doesn’t wrap his arms around me, cuddle with me, show any true sign we’re together in public. He never tries to put the moves on me. I’m a very physical person, I find comfort in small things like a long hug or a simple stroke, anything to let me know he really does like me. Anything to ground me in a reality that I am not alone. Yet, I feel completely and utterly alone.
I thought once we got back to school we would see each other more but I only see him twice a week and in the company of friends. He spends more time with them than he does me. Sometimes, I feel rather rejected.
Before you judge him to harshly, he is not mean to me and everyone knows we’re together. Maybe we just aren’t the right fit, or maybe it’s me? My step-mother is not the first person to suggest that once the chase is over I find myself bored. I will not deny such an accusation but I’m not sure that’s what is going on here.
I think the events of last year with Atheist Minister have made me leery with my heart. I want to trust, I want to believe. The more I fall for my current guy the more I pull back into my barriers. I’m used to people waltzing in and out of my life, and I guess I’m just waiting for him to do the same. I’m afraid to show him the chaos. I’m afraid to tell him how I feel. I’m afraid that any minute he is going to walk away like everyone else.
Trust is easier said than given. I wish I could put faith in people the way I did once upon a time but I’ve been cut by people to many times to do that. I fear I have become a cynic. I fear I can no longer promise myself it will get better until I believe it because things were better for a while but they are falling apart. I’m falling apart. The strength I thought I’d won is failing. The fragile wall My Darkness is locked behind is crumbling. I’m not sure I believe in Fairy Tales, in love even.