Could It Be I Actually Want to Get Close to Someone?

I just got home from what I hope was a date with a wonderful guy that ironically enough my mother picked out for me. We shall call him Hunter. After my last romantic disaster it is no secret that I have tried to stay away from love. I have grown into my singledom and I have actually started to live my life. It took losing all the things I thought I needed and wanted before I could be free. I guess you never know how strong you are until you have to be.

Lately my mum and her friend from soccer have been insisting that me and her friend’s son should go out. Supposedly we are perfect for one another. I laughed off these comments and at some point I started to humor her. I talked to him, and it was easy-easy in a way that I didn’t expect. The more I talked to him the more I wanted to be near him. I still didn’t expect to be any more than an acquaintance but then we made plans to go out for a movie, and now I’m hooked.

I’ve just gotten home from seeing Zombieland with him and at some point while sitting beside him in the theater I realized something. I actually want to open up to him. I want to be near him. I want to get to know him. I want to trust him.

I want all of the things I am usually so afraid of.

I call him Hunter because he is just that, a hunter. Not by any means my usual type. But there is just something about him that just clicks. I have no desire to rush into anything but I do know that I want to see him again. He might come to Haunted Hills Estate with me Saturday night if I can talk him out of the first day of hunting season.

Even if I can’t, I look forward to our next…date? He drove me to the movie, paid my way, and drove me home. He hugged me at the end of the night and right now I am almost wishing I had been brave enough to at least kiss his cheek. Although, there is no telling if he thought it was a date or if he even likes me. Time will tell, and for once I am going to be patient, and try not to over-think things(a girl can at least pretend she won’t over-think it, right?). If we go to fast I might bolt, but I don’t want to. I feel oddly at ease with him, comfortable despite us having just started to hang out.

It’s too soon to tell where this will go. For once I am just going to enjoy it, and listen to my gut. I’m done letting the fear of being hurt rule my life. I want to do things right this time. If this little attraction of mine happens to become more than I don’t want to screw it up. It seems so odd to me that after all this time I actually want to get close to someone again.

Come on Kids Let’s Act Like Adults

Earlier today I was willing to shut this blog down for a couple reasons: 1) Too many people I know, know about it and I would like to be able to write without worrying what family members, friends, and enemies would say or think of me. 2) Part of me wanted to keep all my fun little movie, book, and life rants away from my personal life. 3) I just wanted a fresh start.

This evening I was accused by The Bitch of talking about her on twitter. Somehow this didn’t surprise me. I have grown used to she and Atheist Minister laying in to me. I just thought by now it was over. Then she joined my story proboard, where I write with friends and I found that kinda creepy considering she isn’t a writer and we aren’t friends.

I sent Atheist Minister an apology letter when I heard they got engaged. I wanted him to know I was sorry for the way things went down. I was sorry for everything but I’m sure he didn’t read it and if he did he chose not to respond, which I can’t blame him for.

I just wanted it all to stop but I was content with our arrangement of silence. We all live our own lives and should we run into one another we just politely ignore their presence. Maybe not the best fix but I was okay with that. No one had to be angry any more.

For the record, I don’t love him anymore and after my conversation with his Bitch I don’t even like him as a person any more. I used to say, despite it all he was one of the good ones. He’s proved to me he can be every bit the asshole he once told me he was going to become.

She brought up things I’d told him, things from my past, things from The Darkness. I didn’t care about any of the nasty things she said to me until she threw that in my face. She can sit and laugh at the broken girl I was once upon a time but I am not ashamed of who I was. I am not ashamed of what I have done. That broken girl has become a strong woman.

Their words can’t hurt me now. Obviously they have nothing better to do then sit around and laugh at me and my life. She always says they sit and laugh at my blogs. That’s fine. Laugh it up Bitch. I don’t care because both of you are as good as dead to me. I have a life, a happy one that doesn’t include thoughts of either of you. Which is why I have blocked you both from my facebook and twitter and if I could block you from my blog I’d do that too.

Grow-Up children, we’re adults now. Shouldn’t you be planning a wedding instead of analyzing every word I write anyway? Shouldn’t you have moved on from hating me so? What did I ever do except once love the man you have now? If love is a crime then I was guilty but I feel no love for him now. In fact, I feel nothing for him now. I don’t love or hate either of them. Hate takes too much energy, it means I actually care. I am indifferent. I am apathetic.

A Change of Scenery

Due to a lot of things I have not made an appearance in my blog in a long time. I would like to apologize for that. So much has been going on in my personal life lately and surely they would have made quite interesting posts. I have gotten my life under control and am dedicated to a fresh start but too many people from my personal life know of this blog’s existence: family, friends, and even enemies. So I have to constantly censor what I want to tell and how I want to tell it. This blog will remain in place for my cute little clever posts, like my rants or raves on movies, tv, and books. All the fun stuff will remain. My personal life will be moved to a different location and if you wish to continue to follow me on that let me know and I will give you the link once I get this new project under way. Thank you for your understanding,

-The Writer, Bethany M. Rosser

Here We Go Again

As I stood at Jill’s grave and admitted my fears I realized something. I have no idea who I am anymore. I often shrug off my academic probation and account it to a “mini-nervous breakdown” last spring. I promised myself closure and healing over the summer and one day I realized I was okay. I was happy with who I am. I was content to be single. Did the old fears still linger? Certainly, but now is my chance to be the person I want to be. Now is a chance not to make the same mistakes and yet…here we go again.

I have a crush on this guy who makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach every time he smiles. My best guy friend is starting to get feelings for me. And I hooked up with a guy I scarcely know.

Do I learn nothing from my past?

I think about the note I wrote after hooking up with Everyone’s Favorite Asshole and how I asked myself this same question. I was supposed to have learned from my encounters with Master of Pretty, Empty Words. I was supposed to have learned from my mistakes with Everyone’s Favorite Asshole. I’m not supposed to be this girl!

I keep thinking about the girl I used to be.

Once upon a time I dreamed of Happily-Ever-After and quickly life taught me the hard way that such a thing doesn’t exist. I adopted new beliefs, new codes and not for the first time I have broken them. I’m sick of breaking them. I’m sick of doing things that later I sit around and wish I hadn’t. I can’t find it in myself to regret them but every fiber of my being tells me to turn tail and run. Danger ahead!

I find it hard to imagine being in love, to imagine trusting someone with so much and having them destroy me as so many have done. More than anything I want to be able to take things slow, get to know someone, fall in love, and be able to love them like I’ve never been hurt. Yet, I’m damaged goods. I don’t want to be caged, claimed but I also don’t want to be the girl I am now. I don’t want to give myself over so easily. In many ways I am completely sick of the physical. It only complicates everything!

I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want…except maybe I do. Despite all my fears I want to meet someone, I want to date, and I want to do this right. I want to go back in time, grab myself, and ask me what the hell I think I’m about to do! There are all these moments in my life where I wonder, was it worth it?

Was going against my morals worth it? Was pushing him away worth it? Was never saying what I really felt worth it?

No.

It was never worth it. I want a do-over in more than one place in my life but we make mistakes and we learn from them. Lately I haven’t been heeding my lessons and now I’m feeling backed into a corner and scorning myself. Maybe I’m just attracted to the chaos and here we go on another stroll through disaster. Maybe I can fix this. Maybe I can find the strength to stand up for the girl who once believed in love, the girl who has done so much just to feel loved, the girl who is caged in The Darkness and begs for release.

I deserve better than this. It’s time I remember it and live by it. People always think it’s easy to be true to yourself. It’s so simple, so cliche, and yet so difficult. 

Epiphany

I called this my summer of healing and while I cannot say I’m better or different I do feel…stronger. I feel…worth something. Most of my life I have felt like an outsider, even among friends. I often have no idea what I am doing in social situations. I have hated myself for a long time, for almost as long as I can remember. I have felt like a worthless, broken person and I have done everything I can to try and be liked and even loved by someone else. I used to think if someone loved me they could save me. That isn’t true, we can only save ourselves.

I’m not sure when it happened, but it was very recently I realized I’m not worthless or broken. I’m a lot stronger then I give myself credit for and I’m sick of hiding. I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of being alone, an outsider.

I feel oddly alive.

For the first time in a long time I am embracing life and everything it has to offer. The Darkness cannot cage me because I no longer need it. Would I like to have someone? Of course. Is it imperative to my well-being? No. I have wonderful friends, a great family, and I know what I want. I am a writer and I am going after that dream with everything I have. I refuse to let the bad things and the pain bring me down. I will not be a prisoner to my pain, to my fears.

Perhaps it sounds painfully obvious but I want to embrace every moment and every opportunity. I have tried to live without regrets. We make choices, mistakes and there is no sense questioning them.  The only thing that matters is learning to live with what we’ve done and learning to embrace the outcome whether it’s good or bad.

I’m done playing the someday game. I’m done making the same old promises and living in The Dark. I welcome this new day with open arms. I don’t feel different, I just feel like I’m finally embracing the woman I was meant to be. I am being who I am with no apologizes and no regrets. Take me as I am or not at all. I call this my epiphany and I hope to never forget what I have learned this last year. Life can make or break us and I refuse to be broken.